11--ESPN Radio. Second only to a Yankee game in most commercials per broadcast on the radio. Basketball basketball ESPN product basketball basketball ESPN product basketball basketball basketball...etc.
10--Chris Berman. Please make him stop. I don't even watch ESPN and I cringe just thinking about his face. The guy is so out of touch with his nicknames and crap and the shtick has totally run it's course. It's just over, Chris. O-V-E-R. Does he really think that kids are getting Rod Stewart (?) references from the early seventies? Please, I am begging here--just make him stop. I want to be able to watch the NFL on ESPN again. They already ditched Theismann. One more to go.
9--The constant barrage of advertisements during Sportscenter. I mean, the guys send it to the reporters for the update that is built by Home Depot and then they interview someone who is allegedly in the Budweiser Hot Seat when all they are really doing is plugging some movie or shoe or something Disney-related. Then they bring baseball highlights that are sponsored by some jock itch cream and it doesn't matter because the talking heads are just going to gloss over the fact that Barry Bonds is a dirty cheat anyway. (Free word of advice to ESPN: Just because a record is broken and you act like it is all important doesn't mean that we have to care. The guy has more juice in him than the freaking Kool-Aid Man. We all know it diminishes the record and you know it too.)
8--When they own something, ESPN starts to care. I'm not talking about the Timber Games with those jumpy dogs or the X Games either. I'm talking about the Arena Football League. How funny is it that for years that league couldn't get on Sportcenter without kidnapping a programming executive, but now, the highlights are all over the place. I mean, Scott Van Pelt--who should know that Tenacious D references are so 2001--is trying to equate an AFL playoff upset with great upsets in other sports history. You know, the ones people have watched for years? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at the level of shilling by the network but I actually was when I heard that fact over the weekend when I flipped by. Wow. (For more, please see Phil Mushnick's column in the New York Post about it from over the weekend. And no, I am not equating myself with Phil Mushnick.)
7--There's a reason that my wife came up with the nickname "ESPNBA" for that channel. Nobody watches the NBA when you compare the amount of coverage the league gets on ESPN versus the actual number of viewers they attract per game. That was their stated logic regarding the coverage they were (not) giving the NHL this past season. Well, that theory gets blown out of the water when you apply the numbers to the NBA stuff. They cover the freaking NBA Summer League and the draft and they have LeBron host the ESPYs (talk about self-reverence) and all of that crap. It's too much.
6--The new "multiplatform" deal with the WNBA. See, right there, it's all a load. Whereas the network will tell you what is wrong with a property that they are not in bed with, they'll cut a new deal with the WNBA just to satisfy David Stern. Do you think they'd allow their dot-com writers to rip David Stern in any way, for fear of polluting the air and offending the great commissioner? No way. They might let Simmons (speaking of over) do it, but nobody else. The WNBA is a joke as hilarious as the All-Star starters dancing on a platform as they were introduced over the weekend. (Seriously, you need to see this. It was like watching people dance at a Mensa mixer or worse--a Microsoft Jack-and-Jill. Check youtube for it.)
5--Rooting for ESPN is like rooting for the Harlem Globetrotters in a straight-up basketball game. Sure, you might recognize the brand name and all, but wouldn't it be cool if the Washington Generals beat the Globetrotters--I mean, they win all of the games anyway. ESPN is the Globetrotters AND City Hall all in one.
4--Dan Patrick.... and to a lesser extent, Keith Olbermann. Time to nut up and admit it boys: you created this whole "sportscaster with a gimmick" crap where every talking head has to have a snarky line of catchphrases. You've created the monster and only you can do anything about it--and it doesn't matter if you're leaving ESPN or not, Dan. I know that guys like Bob Ley who actually just do the highlights and don't waste with all of the pop culture horsecrap are dying out. Well, who is the next Bob Ley? Would that guy even get hired today? Probably not. And man, do I miss Tom Mees doing hockey.
3--The July 4 hot dog eating contest. Hey, poverty is a real problem and people are actually hungry each and every day in the US--not to mention other places in the world. Watching these guys (and girls) stuff themselves silly is car wreck TV at it's cheesiest. Competitive eating is just not a sport. It's not even a spectacle. It's just a reckless, needless exercise in stupidity.
2--Televised poker. I know ESPN didn't "invent" it--the Travel Channel did--but now there is freaking poker everywhere. And what's worse, they televise it during the day so that children can learn how to become gambling addicts. I know the whole "you can lead a horse to water" argument but that doesn't work. Glorifying these professional gamblers is just poor judgment and very, very irresponsible.
1--They hate hockey, remember?Labels: ESPN, ESPNBA
