The Cheating Bastards of Arena Football

Frank Deford once said that one of these days we are going to find out that wrestling is real and that the rest of life is fake.

Obviously, I paraphrased that above. If Frank Deford were reading my column, I'd be shocked and more than a little surprised. He's a much better writer than I'll ever be and he sees things more clearly than most.

Case in point: the Philadelphia Soul won the Arena Bowl yesterday afternoon. No offense if you missed it; I only watched bits and pieces because I was super-bored. And Frank Deford probably missed it too, even though there is no way you can tell me that the league and ESPN probably were in on a fix to make sure that Philadelphia beat San Jose. I will never be convinced otherwise.

Before I continue, I want to fully disclose that I am a former AFL fan. We had two teams in Connecticut in the 1990s and my buddies and I went to every game. It was good, inexpensive fun that got at least two of us out of our homes.

As the Connecticut teams moved (the New England Sea Wolves moved to Toronto for a while), my interest waned big-time. AFL on TV is fine and all, but the AFL in person is a lot more fun. Still, because I am loyal as puppy, I soldiered on and even sort of accepted the New York Dragons as "my" team even though my emotional investment was half-assed, at best.

Anyway, in 2004, Jon Bon Jovi and some other people (human walrus Ron Jaworski amongst them) got an expansion team and put them in Philly. All of a sudden, JBJ was on my AFL TV more than the actual players. Every Soul game was carried nationally (first on NBC and now on ESPN) and the Soul were literally jammed down our collective throats by a league desperate for star-power, increasing awareness, and marketing. It totally made me sick that the old guard teams and fans were kicked aside just so NBC could show JBJ's reaction after every play on the field.

So, yeah, Jon Bon Jovi made me hate arena football.

Still, like I said, the league needed to get more eyeballs on the game and I guess they hoped that JBJ's Aquanet- and Spandex-abusing fanbase would follow him to The Fifty Yard Indoor War. Didn't work, by the way, but NBC's cameras made sure to get every shot of Jon and his friends (including a bored and popcorn-eating Bruce Springsteen) as they watched the Soul get crushed week after week. It got so bad that I couldn't even casually watch the game because I knew the same crap team would be on and the same crap owner would get more screen time than any of his players.

I wasn't alone. I called my buddy--he started watching the AFL when we were in college and the games were tape-delayed on Friday nights--and he was in the same boat I was. We were both frustrated and we were sick and tired of having the NBC hype machine force-feeding us the Philadelphia Soul. We gave up because we were throwing up.

Over the past couple of years, the Soul of the Arena football league has been handed from NBC to ESPN. We all know how ESPN can beat anything it wants into the ground so I would check here and there to see who was playing who and wouldn't you know it, ESPN was like always showing the Soul. Mike and Mike--the morning ESPN radio guys--even did the announcing for a year and miraculously would have commissioner David Baker on for a weekly spot...once ESPN was back in the AFL bidness, of course.

No one worked harder at growing the Arena Football brand than David Baker. I remember even seeing him in Hartford when the New York Cityhawks played a preseason tester game at the Civic Center. It was then that I knew that Hartford was going to be getting a team back; albeit for 2 seasons.

Anyhoo, if there was a media appearance, Baker made it. He flogged his excellent AFL Fans' Bill of Rights at every turn and was always there to talk about the league with fans, broadcasters, and anyone else who could help him spread the word. He was the kind of guy who came off as a fan first and a suit second. He also had a great way of conveying true enthusiasm in the game, the league, and it's players. (Gary Bettman would do well to take note.)

So imagine how surprising it was when David Baker resigned as the commissioner of the Arena Football League two days before the league's biggest showcase, the Arena Bowl. Strange, no?

So anyway, I'm watching the AFL and I am already convinced that there is a bit of a conspiracy by the league to get the Soul to the Arena Bowl. We'll have more on that later. But yesterday, when I first flipped on the game, the whole thing was at a halt because the Soul coach had called for the officials to review a previous play. Wouldn't you know it, the call was reversed and the Soul were given possession.

A little later I flipped by and the Soul had won another review. I began to laugh. This was frickin' ridiculous.

The Soul had pulled out a bit of a lead so I left the game and in the surprise of all surprises, the Soul won another coaches challenge to go an amazing 3 for 3 in reviews. Has that ever happened in the NFL? Has it ever happened in the CFL? Probably not--because the odds are freaking astronomical.

And surprise, the Soul won and JBJ got to hold and show off the ugliest gumball machine-looking trophy in all of sports. It wasn't easy, however, because San Jose and QB Mark Grieg put up a bunch of points and the Soul almost gave away the game in the last minute.

During the game, I called my former AFL fan buddy and we laughed. See, a few weeks ago, I was fired up over the Soul's playoff game versus the Dragons. New York was leading and playing a weird prevent defense trying to hold onto a slim lead. With time running off the clock, Soul QB Matt D'Orazio hit one of his receivers and the receiver was trying to make the goal line as time slipped away. His knee appeared to hit the turf on or around the three yard line but he stretched and tried to break the plane of the goal line with the ball. Then he dropped the ball. So his knee was on the ground already and the play should have stopped there. He reached out to break the plane of the goal line to score and the ball tumbled from his hands. There were less than 5 seconds left and it should have been Dragons' ball.

The ruling on the field was, of course, a touchdown. The Soul were celebrating and the Dragons were livid. Eventually, they got the officials to review the play. Plain as day you see the players knee hit the deck and you also see the fumble afterward--"recovered" in the end zone by the Dragons. Who was this referee--Tim Donaghy?

The refs are checking it out in their little peep show booth as ESPN is replaying the tape. It is clear as day. In fact, I joked to myself that there was no chance that the refs were going to overturn their own call because they were in Philadelphia and probably had a strong desire to get out of there and stay alive.

And they came back and maintained that it still was a touchdown. You can see the play on all of those famous websites and on ESPN.com if you're inclined. I sent it to my Dad, who does not like Arena Football and I asked him what he thought. He said the guy had to be called down. I asked a couple of people at work what they thought and they agreed.

I'm not saying that any of us are licensed referees. All I am saying is that a handful of football fans with no axe to grind took a look at the play and figured the play had been whistled dead. When I told them that the refs gave the guy a TD, most all of them to a man (and woman) said it was messed up and hoped that nothing like that would happen in the NFL.

If you think I am making more out of something than I should, well, you're probably right. But just for a second, go to the main AFL page on ESPN.com and please notice that every picture and story there is about the Philadelphia Soul. They had their own web TV show, they have interviews with Bon Jovi, and isn't that nice, they have JBJ holding the trophy in the main story box on the front page of the AFL section. Not a player, mind you, but the owner. In fact, it's weird that Bon Jovi wasn't named Arena Bowl MVP yesterday.

Plus, let's face it, the guy who was the commissioner for twelve years quit two days before the Arena Bowl. Not afterward and not some time later this summer--he did it two days beforehand. Maybe I have been influenced by too many X-Files reruns, but after having to spin that mess with the Dragons game David Baker realized that he needed to get out before the fix was in so that he wasn't tainted professionally. Again, I am just thinking out loud.

So maybe wrestling is real and the Arena Football League has been faked worse than those XFL skits Vince used to put on during halftimes of his half-baked football broadcasts. Something tells me we will never see an Outside the Lines EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION because, well, ESPN is not about to blow the whistle on themselves. They've already had enough criticism in the wake of showing more AFL highlights since they bought into the league; integrity be damned!

I guess the moral to this story is, in fact, that the summer is too long and I can't wait for October. Have we hired a coach yet?

Bill Guerin All Over ESPN

Bill Guerin is blitzing ESPN(BA) today. Thanks to Corey Witt for his schedule:

2:00 PM – LIVE Interview with Mike Tirico on ESPN Radio
3:35 PM - ESPN.com Chat
4:00 PM - Digital Media on ESPN.com (updated at 12:45 PM)
4:50 PM - Hotlist on ESPNews
7:50 PM – More ESPNews hits

Eleven Reasons to Boycott ESPN(BA)

11--ESPN Radio. Second only to a Yankee game in most commercials per broadcast on the radio. Basketball basketball ESPN product basketball basketball ESPN product basketball basketball basketball...etc.

10--Chris Berman. Please make him stop. I don't even watch ESPN and I cringe just thinking about his face. The guy is so out of touch with his nicknames and crap and the shtick has totally run it's course. It's just over, Chris. O-V-E-R. Does he really think that kids are getting Rod Stewart (?) references from the early seventies? Please, I am begging here--just make him stop. I want to be able to watch the NFL on ESPN again. They already ditched Theismann. One more to go.

9--The constant barrage of advertisements during Sportscenter. I mean, the guys send it to the reporters for the update that is built by Home Depot and then they interview someone who is allegedly in the Budweiser Hot Seat when all they are really doing is plugging some movie or shoe or something Disney-related. Then they bring baseball highlights that are sponsored by some jock itch cream and it doesn't matter because the talking heads are just going to gloss over the fact that Barry Bonds is a dirty cheat anyway. (Free word of advice to ESPN: Just because a record is broken and you act like it is all important doesn't mean that we have to care. The guy has more juice in him than the freaking Kool-Aid Man. We all know it diminishes the record and you know it too.)

8--When they own something, ESPN starts to care. I'm not talking about the Timber Games with those jumpy dogs or the X Games either. I'm talking about the Arena Football League. How funny is it that for years that league couldn't get on Sportcenter without kidnapping a programming executive, but now, the highlights are all over the place. I mean, Scott Van Pelt--who should know that Tenacious D references are so 2001--is trying to equate an AFL playoff upset with great upsets in other sports history. You know, the ones people have watched for years? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at the level of shilling by the network but I actually was when I heard that fact over the weekend when I flipped by. Wow. (For more, please see Phil Mushnick's column in the New York Post about it from over the weekend. And no, I am not equating myself with Phil Mushnick.)

7--There's a reason that my wife came up with the nickname "ESPNBA" for that channel. Nobody watches the NBA when you compare the amount of coverage the league gets on ESPN versus the actual number of viewers they attract per game. That was their stated logic regarding the coverage they were (not) giving the NHL this past season. Well, that theory gets blown out of the water when you apply the numbers to the NBA stuff. They cover the freaking NBA Summer League and the draft and they have LeBron host the ESPYs (talk about self-reverence) and all of that crap. It's too much.

6--The new "multiplatform" deal with the WNBA. See, right there, it's all a load. Whereas the network will tell you what is wrong with a property that they are not in bed with, they'll cut a new deal with the WNBA just to satisfy David Stern. Do you think they'd allow their dot-com writers to rip David Stern in any way, for fear of polluting the air and offending the great commissioner? No way. They might let Simmons (speaking of over) do it, but nobody else. The WNBA is a joke as hilarious as the All-Star starters dancing on a platform as they were introduced over the weekend. (Seriously, you need to see this. It was like watching people dance at a Mensa mixer or worse--a Microsoft Jack-and-Jill. Check youtube for it.)

5--Rooting for ESPN is like rooting for the Harlem Globetrotters in a straight-up basketball game. Sure, you might recognize the brand name and all, but wouldn't it be cool if the Washington Generals beat the Globetrotters--I mean, they win all of the games anyway. ESPN is the Globetrotters AND City Hall all in one.

4--Dan Patrick.... and to a lesser extent, Keith Olbermann. Time to nut up and admit it boys: you created this whole "sportscaster with a gimmick" crap where every talking head has to have a snarky line of catchphrases. You've created the monster and only you can do anything about it--and it doesn't matter if you're leaving ESPN or not, Dan. I know that guys like Bob Ley who actually just do the highlights and don't waste with all of the pop culture horsecrap are dying out. Well, who is the next Bob Ley? Would that guy even get hired today? Probably not. And man, do I miss Tom Mees doing hockey.

3--The July 4 hot dog eating contest. Hey, poverty is a real problem and people are actually hungry each and every day in the US--not to mention other places in the world. Watching these guys (and girls) stuff themselves silly is car wreck TV at it's cheesiest. Competitive eating is just not a sport. It's not even a spectacle. It's just a reckless, needless exercise in stupidity.

2--Televised poker. I know ESPN didn't "invent" it--the Travel Channel did--but now there is freaking poker everywhere. And what's worse, they televise it during the day so that children can learn how to become gambling addicts. I know the whole "you can lead a horse to water" argument but that doesn't work. Glorifying these professional gamblers is just poor judgment and very, very irresponsible.

1--They hate hockey, remember?

The Stanley Cup Finals on NBC

First, a little bit about me.

For whatever reason, I don't take very much personally. That's just how I am. Oh, sure, when I get pissed it is all but over, but for the most part, I just let a lot of stuff roll off of me. Overall, I think I am fairly easy going.

(OK, I just had a friend read that. He told me I am full of crap and wants to remind me that I can hold a grudge forever with a ferocity that is both blinding and violent. I think that is a winning combination. He thinks that it would be better to add that I am not reactionary--which is good--but that I am quite calculating, when I need to be. So there it is.)

Anyhoo, when (ahem) "people" rip the sport I love, I tend to get super-pissed. Why? Well, because most of these so-called experts are commenting on a sport for which they have no understanding...or, they have ulterior motives in doing so. Lazy potshots from a fat guy at a typewriter make for easy copy.

What do I mean? Well, for starters, we all can complain that ESPNBAFL treats hockey like it is all but irrelevant. And yes, the NBA is treated as the supreme be-all and end-all in the sports universe that is brought to you by ESPNBAFL and is sponsored by a million other things. Why is that? Well, ESPNBAFL owns the rights to show the NBA on their television networks and they bow to the almighty NBA commish, David Stern. Less people on average watch NBA basketball than do daytime soap operas. Is that for real? Doesn't matter as long as I say it enough because then people will start believing it. See--it's a lazy potshot from some dude sitting at a keyboard.

Which brings me to my point: instead of constantly worrying and whining about the people outside the game not watching the sport, maybe it is time for the freaking NHL to look toward and cater to the people who are already hooked. Some douchy USA TODAY TV reporter is never going to get over his dislike of hockey but the 2 million people watching the games on NBC in the US should not be forgotten. The standard newspaper media of old dudes who think baseball and Lebron are the only games in town need not apply. Nobody reads newspapers anymore except for ink-stained reporters who are only worried about their backsides and people in public toilets. I say, let them all take their lazy whacks at us all they want. We need to let it roll off of our backs. That includes the hyper-sensitive Canadian media as well. We know you think you're the caretakers of the game. We got it. But we love this game too. Shouldn't matter where you live.

NOW, that is a long way to go in an attempt to tell you that on Saturday night, I am pretty sure that I watched the most perfect TV telecast of hockey that I have ever seen in my life--and it was on NBC. Somebody needs to speak up and say that Mike Emrick; Ed Olczyk; and Pierre McGuire are probably the best announcing team the sport has ever had in the states. I will not argue this point.

I'll listen to Mike Emrick read the freaking phone book because I know that no matter what happens, he is going to put all he has into making that phone book seem exciting as hell. The love he has for the sport comes through so clearly when he speaks. He sets Edzo up to do his job and do it well. I mean, Ed pulled out the video chalkstick immediately and showed the viewers that Anaheim had only four men out there for a faceoff right before Anton Volchenkov scored the Senators' second goal. It was priceless, time-sensitive stuff--and Ed had Doc learning along with the viewers at home. Imagine the simplicity--actually showing us what happened!

Even the between periods stuff is gold. The tension between Brett Hull and Bill Clement jumps at the viewer while they are talking because body language speaks louder than anything either of them can say. Brett often comes off as dismissive of Clement, and he shouldn't be. Clement is way better at being the master of ceremonies in the studio than anyone ever thought he would be because, let's face it, Clement was an excellent analyst for years. And the third man in, Ray Ferraro, certainly told us all what he thought about Ottawa's Jason Spezza and his play in the first two games when he said Spezza had been "jittery, confused and intimidated." Wow. An indictment and extreme candor. Imagine any of the talking heads trying that in another sport. I don't think Chris Berman will be ripping Mike Vick for anything bigger than a loss of focus if Vick blows chunks in the Falcons first few games this year. And yet, Chicken Parm knocks this stuff night after night...and he is right!

Last--and certainly not least--is Pierre McGuire. Pierre has reached the exalted status of Budding Genius in my home. I rarely give anyone credit for just broadcasting a sport or the news but Pierre is just a freaking treat to listen to. His perch between the benches lends itself to some interesting points for Doc and Edzo; if only because of his proximity to the game. The interviews with players as they enter or leave the ice are great because they allow for actual emotion from the game and not the robot answers hockey players are apparently bred with. Plus, the guy knows exactly when to pop in between Doc and Ed and rarely, if ever, are any of the guys talking over each other. Most importantly, none of them are shouting unless the play encourages actual emotion from three guys who genuinely love the sport.

So, after ripping the network for leaving the playoffs to show some nags run around a dirt track dragging underweight midgets, it says here that we hockey fans have got to give it up for the men of NBC. The network might be stupid but no matter how you look at it, the way they present the game to the MILLIONS OF FANS IN AMERICA WHO LOVE HOCKEY, shows that whomever is in charge of these broadcasts loves the game too. And that is a very, very good thing.