Retro Live Blog: Wrestlemania 2

Let's all get in the nyiforlife.com time machine and travel back to one of the most horrific, scary, and just downright terrible wrestling cards of all-time. So bad, in fact, that we were surprised that the WWE would even want to show this horsepile on their 24/7. Yes, let's go back in time to Wrestlemania 2, which took place on April 7, 1986.

To begin with, we have to mention a few things. First, WM2 took place from three different arenas at the same time: the Nassau Coliseum; the Rosemont Horizon in suburban Chicago; and the L.A. Sports Arena. There were matches in each city and separate announcing crews for each city as well. If it sounds like a recipe for disaster, well, it pretty much was.

WM2 was also the event that showed the WWF that too much to just too freaking much. There were alleged celebrities in each venue, special announcers (thanks, Elvira) and time keepers, etc. Yes, WM2 pretty much barfed the word "excess" and we all know that puke gets pretty stinky with age. I must enjoy torturing myself...but I do it all for you, faithful readers.

Being that the broadcast jumps around a lot from venue to venue, this event is tough to deal with in a live blogging situation. Stick with me, I will do the best I can. All the matches are, for the most part, quite short. The one you wish would be short goes on about eight minutes too long. That's the main event.

We'll start in Long Island. Vince McMahon is there with Susan Saint James of "Kate and Allie". She was and presently is the wife of SNME helmer Dick Ebersol. So, you know, that is how she got the job.

We open with Mr. Wonderful vs. Magnificent Muraco. Yes, Orndorff goes from main event of WM1 to jerking the curtain to a double countout in less than 5 minutes. They put over that Muraco was in on the angle (from SNME, natch) that set up our main event in the cage, King Kong Bundy vs. Hulk Hogan. Yep, Muraco wrestled Hogan on Saturday Night's Main Event (with Bobby Heenan subbing for an "ill" Mr. Fuji as Muraco's manager) and he even was in on it when Bundy splashed Hogan over and over to set up the whole deal. And now, the former Magnificent One was jerking a curtain. Makes even less sense now.

Randy Savage defended the Intercontinental Title against frequent challenger George The Animal Steele. This was a continuation of the angle where George had a crush on "The Lovely Elizabeth" and this angle would drag out for another year. Match was not much more than five minutes long. Savage gets the win with his feet on the ropes after he rolled The Animal up. Yawn. It was longer in Hartford at a house show I was at. More exciting, too.

It's starting to dawn on me as to why I never even saw this back in the day. It just wasn't worth it. Is that blood coming out of my eye?

Jake Roberts defeated George Wells really fast. I mean, really fast. I swear these guys just had to catch cabs with the meters still running. George Wells was also known as Master Gee in World Class and was one of the first dudes I recognized as "enhancement" talent in the WWF (or NWA) who was being pushed in other places. In WCCW, he could talk and he dressed sort of like a pimp. In the WWF, not so much pimping.

This was Jake's first Wrestlemania appearance. Seeing him then and then recalling how he was in "Beyond the Mat" is just sad. The man certainly had presence...but is he a Hall of Famer? I don't think so.

In the Nassau Main Event, Roddy Piper and Mr. T boxed (sorta) for four rounds until Piper was DQ'd for bodyslamming Mr. T in the fourth "round". To say this was bad would be an understatement. It was beyond horrible and was, in many ways, uglier than the ugliest, stinkiest, rank-est bowling shoe you could find. Piper, from what he says on his DVD, really hated and resented T and T really didn't like Piper. Of course, T is blamed for not being professional by Piper and all of that. I mean, I knew what the finish was but I still sighed a sigh of relief after it was over, because I didn't have to torture myself any longer with that crap.

By the way, Joan Rivers was the special guest ring announcer at the Coliseum. Seriously. She rocked these huge Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and looked old, but less creepy than she does now. You're welcome.

In Chicago, the big deal was the 20 Man Battle Royal that featured a lot of NFL stars in it. Of course, being in Chicago and all, William "The Refrigerator" Perry was the pet rock of the event. Fridge did OK for a football player but this battle royal was set up for two things: to be short, and for Andre the Giant to win. Andre tossed Bret Hart out onto Jim Neidhart on the floor at the end. The interviews with some of the NFL guys like Jimbo Covert and Bill Fralic are reasonably acceptable if viewed as comedy. And not good comedy. Urkel-Quality.

Weird moment of the Chicago broadcast for me was seeing Chet Coppock as the ring announcer. Coppock hosts one of those sleazy NFL bettor come-on shows that air really early on Sunday mornings during the football season when I am the only one in the world who is awake. I thought he was going to give me his Lock of the Week or something when I saw him but I couldn't place him right away. If he had, maybe I could have jumped into my Delorean and used the flux capacitor to go back in time and make the bet. Patriots by three, my good man! The lesson here: sleep more on Sunday mornings so you don't have to flip by the sleazy shows.

Clara Peller, the Wendy's "Where's the beef?" lady, was the guest time keeper. Trust me, if you weren't there, you have no idea how that line got over back in the day. I guess you can equate Clara's time in the zeitgeist to that dumb-ass Budweiser "Whaaaaassup" crap that we still suffer through today. Not good times.

All of the Chicago matches were frighteningly short. In the opener, the Fabulous Moolah defeated Velvet McIntyre's mullet in less than two minutes. Corporal Kirschner pinned Nikolai Volkoff in a plodding flag match after hitting him with Freddie Blassie's cane. And in what was probably the best match of the event, the British Bulldogs (with a coked-up Ozzy Osbourne and a elasticated Capt. Lou Albano) defeated The Dream Team (not mine) of Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake (managed by Johnny (no longer Valiant, just) V to win the WWF Tag Team Championship. The finish there came when Davey Roid Smith pinned The Hammer after Valentine and Dynamite collided head-to-head. Yes, the Bulldogs were freakishly juiced.

Lastly, we head to the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena for the final matches of the night. This is where the main event was held as well.

Rick Steamboat pinned Hercules after a cross-body block. Not great chemistry here. If Hercules was Wrestling's Rubik's Cube, then Steamboat was not his usual genius because he couldn't solve the Hercules riddle. Waste of his talent in this match. Plus, the seats at the hard camera side of the arena are conspicuously empty.

Next we had the immortal (immovable?) Uncle freaking Elmer losing to Adrian Adonis. Say what we will about the effeminate gimmick and 200 lbs of extra Adrian, but that Adonis could move pretty well for a dude who looked like he was wearing a suit filled with pudding.

In my personal favorite match of the event, Terry Funk and Hoss "don't call me Dory, Jr" Funk defeated the Junkyard Dog and Tito Santana when Terry pinned JYD after hitting him with manager Jimmy Hart's megaphone. Elvira on guest commentary with Jesse Ventura and Lord Alfred "Mistah Freeze-POP" Hayes is clueless and totally has not been prepped in any way, shape, or form during the match. But, I still like it because I am a mark for Terry Funk.

Like sands through the hour glass...we have to wait while the big blue cage is put up for the main event. Seriously. Pacing of shows and everything will get better with time as the bidness evolved. Here, it was just plain nuts. We have to wait listening to inane chatter and talk of how great the event was (is?) event though Vince looks like someone kicked him in the marble bag. Seriously, he did look ill during the event. Maybe he thought he may have been pissing millions away while trying to call the Piper and Mr. T boxing match. I just can't be sure.

So, we wait all this time and Hogan wins (surprise!) by climbing out of the (then) weird-looking blue cage and hitting the floor after leg-dropping Mr. Five Count Bundy and leaving Bobby Heenan for dead. I'll never understand why Hogan had to go out the top of the cage at the time and just didn't go through the door or just pin Bundy and get it over with. Just plain stupid.

The match really did wonders for Bundy, too, when you consider that at WM3, he'll be in a match with Hillbilly Jim and midgets. Bet he didn't see that coming when he jobbed to Fritz Von Erich at Fritz' retirement match. And he had a full head of hair back then too! And by the way, yes, I did say midgets. Forget "little people". They were midgets back then and by god, they'll be midgets now too!

So, there you go. Wrestlemania 2 is in the books. Thanks as always to myself for doing it and for WWE 24/7 for poisoning us by showing it again. They're also showing Wrestlemania IX later this month but you're not gonna get a live blog for that because of one thing: Jim Ross outdoors at Caesar's Palace in a toga. Yeesh. Make it two things: Giant Gonzalez in the painted-on muscle suit. I might make Sean Avery sit through that, but I sure as hell won't.