Live Time Machine Blog: the 1997 WWF Royal Rumble

Yeah, that's right. I said "WWF Royal Rumble" and not "WWE Royal Rumble". Here at nyiforlife.com, we are not afraid of no bamboo-eating pandas. WWF!

So, the 1997 WWF Royal Rumble. What does it say to me? Well, I think that this event in particular was the second event in the series of events where the star of Stone Cold Steve Austin was made. The character was just starting to really get over and Steve himself was beginning to get the character psychology down. Overall, a satisfying event to revisit.

I know I just wrote "satisfying event" phrase and that alone should surprise you when I tell you who the first two entrants in the Rumble were: Crush and Ahmed Johnson. The two were arguing over whether or not Ahmed should join the Nation of Domination. That seems even more stupid when I type it, but it was true. No truth to the rumor that Alicia Keys was influenced by Crush's hairstyle either. He just looked stupid and, by the way, had a tattoo on his forehead because they were playing up his real-life prison record. Seriously.

So we start out with those two and already you're tempted to take a pee break. Don't leave your chair or you'll miss the fake Razor Ramon, who came out at number three and lasts an entire seventeen seconds before Johnson tosses him out. That wasn't even really long enough to see if he had the Razor mannerisms down or not.

Phinneas Godwinn is number 4. He throws out Crush. At number five, we have Steve Austin. I really like his chances.

Once Stone Cold clears the ring of Jake the Snake, Austin is all alone in the ring. Hilariously, he props himself on the turnbuckles and looks at his pretend wristwatch. Vince McMahon, doing the announcing, really tries to make SCSA a heel but I can tell you that back in the day, me and a friend were laughing our backsides off at Austin's antics. He was just so out of the box for the time. Unless you're a long-time fan, you just won't get it.

Here comes The British Bulldog! Good Ol' JR says that bidness is gonna pick up! He and Ahmed must have had some kind of weird contest over who could be the bigger red flag. The Bulldog should have changed his name to Sunoco because he was full of the gas. Davey Roid goes right after Stone Cold because that is what he was supposed to do and we have some more Royal Rumble action that is hard to describe.

Next in is AAA wrestler Pierroth. Vince doesn't know who he is and I can tell you that at the time, I didn't either. Hell, it's eleven years later and I still don't give a rat's ass. He's the dude in the yellow and black but he doesn't look like a bee. Jim Ross tries to get him over with actual Lucha Libre credentials but I still don't care. Say 'ello to da Bee Guy!

Speaking of not caring, The Sultan follows him at 10. At 11 is the legendary Mil Máscaras. Now, him, I know. And he must have been in his fifties then and let me say that for a guy that old, he was still sort of active in the ring. Of course, true to his rep, he is going to end up eliminating himself with a suicide dive onto another Lucha dude on the floor because he never wanted to do a job.

Number 12 is Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Ugh. It is funny how a grudge you have in present day can carry over into the way-back machine as well. 13 is Owen Hart and he will eventually dump his brother-in-law and tag team partner, Davey Roid, so they'll tease a bit of dissention there...and it hits me that both guys are dead. Not good.

Check out this Lazy Man recap: 14 Goldust...15 Cibernético (he gets dumped by Mascaras) and 16 Marc Mero (he gets dumped by Sable)...17 Latin Lover (gets dumped by 18 Faarooq; who dumps himself when Ahmed makes like Jim Duggan and chases him with the largest 2X4 in wrestling history)...and suddenly, the ring is empty again. Never forget the hustle.

Savio Vega runs in and gets paid a full night of work for about 30 seconds. Stone Cold is alone again, naturally. Vince and JR try to put over the "classic" and "epic" strap match the two previously had and I can tell you that after seeing it on the new Legacy of Stone Cold DVD set that the match was kinda "enh" even though they were going at it pretty good. Nothing to get excited about.

"Double J" Jesse James is in and he gets to do a few Elvis moves before The former Road Dogg is sent packing. This was right after Jeff Jarrett had done that singing gimmick where it was exposed that the Road Dogg was the actual man behind the curtain. Weak gimmick at the time and Vince was clearly in Vindictive Mode after losing the real Razor and Diesel and Jeff Jarrett to WCW. Weak weak weak.

So, you know, Austin is again all by himself sitting on the top turnbuckle, selling a little bit of tired this time. Suddenly--as if this was the plan all along--Bret Hart's music hits and the arena comes alive. The crowd in the arena is a lot like the viewer would be at home...you know...waiting for something cool to happen. Aside from Stone Cold, so far this Rumble has been fairly average and really displayed that the WWF was at a low ebb as far as having real main event talent that people cared about.

Bret and Steve are going at it fists and fire! The crowd is clearly behind Bret and solidly against Austin in this one. Funny how sometimes you forget that it did actually take a while for Stone Cold to move up the card. Back then, he was hot but not bigger-than-Hogan hot.

Another comedy spot. Jerry Lawler leaves the announcing table to enter the Rumble. After 4 seconds--yes, four seconds--The King is dumped by Bret and he will spend the rest of the show pretending that he had never entered the Rumble at all. Jim Ross will try at times to get The King to quit being delusional, but Jerry keeps up the hustle. It's not as funny as it sounds..

Big Fake Diesel, come on down! That's right, former evil dentist and future Undertaker brother Glenn "Ron Paul in '08" Jacobs makes it to the big time. Diesel is given a good amount of work, too, and even gets a mention for effort later in the broadcast. Bret will dump him near the end.

Anyhoo, next out is Terry Funk. It's always great to see The Hardcore Legend. I think I may be the only person who liked it when he wore the stocking on his head and pretended to be Chainsaw Charlie later in the year. He and his protégé, Mankind Foley, figure into the finish...which I will jump ahead to now.

OK, so Mankind dumps Terry Funk and eventually, once the Undertaker (#30) dumps Mankind Foley, Mick and the Funker are fighting outside the ring. This brawl prompts both refs on the floor to take their eyes off the action in the ring. Wouldn't you know it, Bret Hart tosses out Stone Cold and he hits the floor. Of course, like I said, the refs don't see it and as Vince says, "If the refs don't see it, it didn't happen!" Steve climbs back in the ring and in short order, he dumps Vader and the Undertaker and ultimately, Bret Hart. Stone Cold is deemed the winner of the 1997 Royal Rumble while the referees were distracted on the other side of the ring. Pretty simple but very good booking, I'd say.

This Travesty of Injustice (TM) causes Bret Hart to totally lose it. He goes mental and get pissed and starts yelling at Vince and screaming at the referees--you know, the standard reaction. Refs screwed Bret. Stone Cold's music is playing and Bret is essentially acting like a kid who is like four years old.